Friday Reflections #90: Suicide

What makes us think we have no other way out?  How can we talk ourselves into suicide being the only solution to our pain?  How can the pain be so intense or for our lives to feel so hopeless, that we think killing ourselves will make it better?  Two suicides in my circle in the last year, the closest one to me was in the last week, have me reflecting on it a lot.

The first one, last year was a uber successful man in the community.  He truly had it all.  He had started and sold many businesses with at least one 8-digit exit.  He had a great family with long marriage and grown children in prestigious universities.  He was active in church and community mentoring other business leaders and in many meaningful ways.  His health was great, and he was multi-time Ironman.  Yet he took his own life.  I don’t know why and at the time, what I could relate to since I have had this line of thinking is as follows:  I have this emptiness and/or pain inside.  I believed that if I did all these good things, making money, family, giving back, I would feel better. I would be OK.  I have now done all these things.  I have checked ALL the boxes, but the pain or emptiness is still there.  Since I have done everything, and the pain is still there, I have no other way to solve it.  There is nothing else I can do, so I check out.

The second one was much closer to home.  He was an extended family member whom I had spent time with.  He has stayed at my home several times.  Our kids know each other.  We adventured together.  He was active in his family and community and loved physical activity and cars and was active in both.  Yet, somehow, he felt it was the only way out.  It must have been incredibly painful for him to think this was his only option.  To be willing to give so much pain to his family, it must have been incredibly painful in his inner world.  When I heard about it, I went through so much anger at society where men still don’t feel safe talking about not being ok.  And then I had crushing waves of sadness, thinking about how he must have felt, the huge loss to his family, my own grief at loosing a family member and friend.  And then I had anger towards him for doing it, for leaving his family and all of us.  It is still raw, and I am still processing.  I desperately wish he had not left.  Death is so final!  There is nothing left in this life we can do to make things better for him.  Even if it doesn’t feel like, there are so many other options.  And it starts with talking to someone.

When I was at my lowest points, I went immediately to my wife and then to trusted friends, and later to therapy.  This always made me feel better, starting with not feeling alone and then seeing some options for my life.  If you don’t know who to talk to, call or text the Suicide Crisis Line on 988 in the US.  Check out this website https://www.iasp.info/suicidalthoughts if you are having suicidal thoughts or if you know someone who is.  It helps in both situations.  Life is precious!  It really is a gift.  Every day.  There are always other options.  Reach out.  Connect.  It is OK to say, “I am not OK.”  Just that connection will make a difference.  And if you know someone that is thinking about suicide, reach out to them.  If you don’t know what to say, use this website, or just tell them you care and you don’t know what to say.  Life is precious.  Death is final.  Whether you are the one suffering or you know someone who is, do whatever is needed to keep life.

This weekend, value life.  Keep it.  Tell those you love that you love them.  And then do something this weekend that makes you feel alive you so are also really living your life.

Have a great weekend,

Art

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