How many times in your career have you thought about giving someone some feedback that would help them improve, but you didn’t? It is always uncomfortable to do so. Maybe they wouldn’t take it well. Maybe you are afraid of the repercussions. We even tell ourselves it is to be nice to them. Maybe it is not.
Early in my career I had a new team member that was much older than me and not doing well. At out 90-day performance review, I shared the issues with specific data, events, and results. He was floored! He pulled out over a decade of performance reviews that all showed good to outstanding ratings. He didn’t believe me. We discussed it and agreed that if he wanted to change, I would be all in to help him, and if he didn’t want to, he would look for another job. In our meeting the next day, he said he hadn’t slept He had never received such direct criticism, but that he also couldn’t argue with the specific facts and details I had presented. He wanted to improve. We worked together and he did. During that process he understood that he hadn’t been performing outstandingly for the last 10 years, but his bosses had not had the courage to tell him. He was quite upset at them for the time he had lost.
Eventually, he said “Thank you for caring about me enough to be honest.” This stuck with me. Whenever I was too afraid or too uncomfortable to give someone tough feedback, I would think about this and realize it was for my own comfort that I was avoiding it, not for their good. And in business, I have consistently cared enough about the other to be honest about what I was experiencing. Even if it didn’t always go well, I realize that I want to be the kind of person that cares enough about others to get over my own fear of talking to them about an issue. This week I had a reminder in my private life. I had an upset with my dad and started to just turn away and let it go. A couple days later, I was sharing this principle with a coaching client, and it hit me: I wasn’t following my own advice with my own dad! (This is what I love about teaching. It holds me accountable.) My dad and I had the hard conversation today and it went well. I do care about him more than my own comfort. And, as is always the case, it was not as difficult as I thought it would be.
What conversation have you been avoiding? Do you care enough about them to be honest? Find the courage to have the tough conversation, at work and at home. The results are almost always a better relationship and always a better you.
Have a great weekend,
Art
