A few weeks ago in Friday Reflections, you read that the quality of our relationships is the most important factor in a good life. That is true. And what do we do when some of those relationships trigger us? Do you feel anxious every time you are around your in-laws, or high school friend or boss or angry every time your connecting with a certain client or co-worker? What is triggering these reactions? If relationships are most important, and they are, what can we do when they trigger unwanted emotions?
I had two experiences of this recently and will tell the story of one of them. I was invited to join my college fraternity brothers on a ski trip and as soon as I said yes, I felt nervous, even anxious. I love skiing and really wanted to go, and had unwanted emotions so strong, I considered not going. I wasn’t really sure what it was about, but knew it was triggered by not feeling like I really belonged to the group back in college. That anxious feeling stayed with me up to the trip and even halfway through the trip, though it was diminishing some as I reconnected in the present with the old friends. I realized it was being trigger by the way I felt about myself at the time I hung out with them a lot, 30 years ago. I am in a much better place now than I was then. I am comfortable in my own skin. And here is the key to solving these unwanted feelings, I talked about them to one of my friends there on the trip. I said, “You know, I was very nervous to come on this trip as it brought back feelings from 30 years ago when I didn’t really feel part of the group, wasn’t sure if I fit in, if I was really accepted.” My friend replied, “That was all going on between your ears. You were always just as much of the guys to us back then as anyone else here.” Aha! The anxiety vanished! I was being re-trigger today by events from 30 years ago, but those events were actually be played in my head alone. Talking about them shed the light on it and it disappeared. I can see now that this applies perfectly to the other situation too.
So if you have these unwanted emotions coming up related to a co-worker or family member, have the courage to talk with them about it. Share your experience using I statements and without any blame and see what you learn. Here’s to getting rid of the triggers not just avoiding them!
Have a great weekend!
Art
