Life is better at fifty because I am comfortable in my own skin. I love the life I have instead of striving for something I don’t. I feel completely loved and accepted, and a deep sense of belonging with those I love the most, at a level never experienced before. I have dropped shame and should’s from my life. I am free from concern about what others think of me, allowing my creativity to unleash. My relationships are great. I have a deep, real active connection with God which gives me a deep sense of purpose. I have enough time and money. Because of all those things, I am healthier in all 4 dimensions, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally than I have ever been, and happier too. Most of my days have many moments of gratitude, joy, love, awe, and wonder. It was not that way in the previous three decades.
How did all of this come to pass? Why is it better than my 40s? Or 20s? Let’s take a look back. In my earlier decades, I was driven largely by anxiety and ambition. I need to “be somebody” significant, and even more importantly, I need to be someone significant so I would be OK, that people would like and respect me, and that I would be loved. That’s what it came down to. I felt the only way I could experience love and belonging was to earn it by doing significant things, making lots of money, having powerful positions, big titles, doing significant service, and all of it better than the next guy, just to be ok. That was my ambition. And it was driven by fear, by anxiety. If I made one mistake, I would lose it all and have no love, respect, or connection and would be homeless and starving. This fear was ever-present to more or lesser degrees so much that I didn’t even know it was there. It was just the air I breathed. From the outside, my life looked perfect in my 20, 30’s and 40’s, but I felt bad more than I felt good during those decades. I was always comparing up and seeing where I didn’t measure up and striving to close the gap in all areas of my life, from business to family, and feeling bad since the gap never closed. No matter how good things were, no matter how much I made, or how good a family I had, there was always someone with more or better, or at least that is how I perceived it, so the gap never shrank.
In my late forties this façade started to crumble and at first, I resisted letting it go, feeling it was the end of the good life. I clung to it hard, not realizing it could be so much better. By the time I turned 50, I saw that what I thought was the end was the beginning of my best life. At my 50th birthday party, my five siblings, wife, and a few other close friends and relatives toasted me individually. I had healed enough to let it in and saw that I was deeply loved and belonged to this group without having to earn it at all. I could just love and appreciate them in return with no expectations either way. I will never forget that. I also chose that day to do a full Ironman triathlon before I turned 51. But more importantly, I would not have any time goal for the race or the training, with the only goal to enjoy the entire process including the race. I did exactly that and met many friends and great adventures along the way that I was present for and enjoyed. The race itself was a peak family experience for me and the family members there. I am now 52 and each year has been better than the last. I just reviewed with my family our favorite pictures from 2023 and I can’t believe how wonderful last year was! I grew spiritually and emotionally, I feel completely on purpose with my life, I had many incredible family vacations and adventures, enough skiing and backpacking for the first time in my life, meaning full work in leadership consulting and coaching as well as re-launching my podcast and making great progress on my book (It will launch this spring), and lots of visits and connections with old and new friends. I also dusted off an old dream of qualifying for the Boston Marathon and took immediate action on it. I am making great progress on it and feeling great!
The contrast is stark, and what enabled it? Healing and spiritual growth as well as nature, with our kids growing up. First was healing and spiritual growth through years of therapy, starting and maintaining daily spiritual practices, 12-Step Recovery, journalling, and continued personal growth and silent retreats and, for the first time in my life, prioritizing sleep. This dissolved much of my anxiety and ambitions, which allowed me to let go of my hyper-demanding, jet-setting job and have an abundance of time for the first time in my life. My improved emotional health translated into much better relationships at home, so family became a source of joy, not stress, and my children are all young adults now, so our connections are more fun and less time-intensive caregiving. I ski all the time with one son, hike with all, and go backpacking with my daughter and RVing with my wife. All of this healing has allowed me to live the quote I have known for ever but followed not so much. “A happy life is merely a succession of happy moments, but most people forego the happy moments in pursuit of a happy life.” I am savoring the moments now and that has made my life much happier and more meaningful. Last night, as we often do, my wife and I were reviewing our day together and I was complaining a little about not getting as much done as I wanted to. She reminded me that I chose and did everything exactly as I wanted to, and that is exactly enough! Celebrate that! She is right! Thank you, Tonya!
I love my fifties. I am sleeping better, happier, eating better, have more meaningful relationships, interesting and purposeful work, am more fit and having more adventures than ever and I am not dogged by over ambition of trying to be someone significant. I am able to enjoy life and all it’s small moments right where I am. I want to continue that as long as I can.
If you are in your 30’s or 40’s, know it does get better, though usually after getting worse first. Don’t resist it. If you are in your 50’s, I hope this has been your experience as well. If not, start your healing and spiritual growth and let yourself unfold. Either way, I would love to hear about you experience.
Have a great weekend,
Art
#healingjourney #physicalfitness #joyfullife #relationship #acceptance #selflove #adventure #spiritualgrowth #livingyourbestlife #lifeatfifty
