I am out in New Mexico this weekend with friends, including my older brother. And this morning we are having a conversation about connection and relationships and how important they are. It is especially important to connect in person, without the distraction of phones. To be physically together, to laugh, to hug, and experience the energy and connection that comes from being in physical proximity to each other. This is something I have struggled with much of my life. Even this trip, which is the first time I have had a large group of friends that have no other function in my life besides friendship, coming with me out here. I have always felt everything should have a purpose and I didn’t understand that friendships are a purpose of their own, so I didn’t consider it important. As Arthur Brooks says, there are deal friends and then real friends and real friends have no purpose other than friendship and connection. You are not making and deals with them. You don’t want or need anything from them. This concept was lost on me. I felt so awkward my whole life in purely social situations. I always wanted that connection, but I always pushed it away too by making myself busy with something else. It was scary to me. As I recovered in Workaholics Anonymous, I realized I was hiding from the uncomfortable feelings of connection? What if they don’t like me? Why would anyone want to hang out with me anyway? They must be trying to get something from me. What will I do? How can I be a good friend? What does it mean to be a good friend? I actually stressed about this quite a bit the week leading up to this trip. It was on my mind enough that I talked to my therapist about it. And I got through it. How? First was to completely love and accept myself, even the parts that I used to think were unacceptable, which there were many. Then it was recognizing that we all need friendships, I need friendships, and it is also OK if someone doesn’t like me or I don’t like someone. We can make other friends. With the love and acceptance, I am able to be my authentic self without fear, and this is where real friendships can grow. With that internal work done, the weekend was amazing! Full of fun and adventure, and deep conversations and profound connection as well. It was a both-and weekend. We skied, hiked, shared profound conversations about love and growth in a remote, natural hot springs on the Rio Grande and tears in the hot tub as well as preparing and enjoying amazing meals together and playing games. It was one of, if not, the best friends experience I have ever had and I feel a deep connection with these men now.
Do you have real friends or just deal friends? If you don’t have real friends, take the time to do your inner work and to leave space for real friendships that are not based on business or any other reason besides relationship. Invite others in and see what happens. As has been shared here before, the most important factor in the good life, is relationships.
Take time this weekend to reach out to others and make and build real friendships.
Best regards,
Art
