Last Thursday I had a vision that I was in the ocean swimming like hell to stay in front of this big wave behind me. I was swimming well, fast and really hard for two reasons: First, I was an over-achiever. I was capable to stay out front so I should be. I wanted to be special, to be the leader, to be known and seen as successful. I liked working hard and it felt worthwhile. My ego was driving this part. The second reason was fear. Fear that the wave would catch up to me and then I wouldn’t be OK. I wouldn’t be out front. Or even worse, it would crash on me and swallow me up and likely even kill me. So, I was driven by ego and fear and had been swimming like that for my entire life! Sprinting in fear for a lifetime.
Next, this big smile spread across my face as I stopped swimming and let the wave pick me up. I rode on top of the wave enjoying the view and with no fear. I was not suffering, striving, grinding, and still making the same progress and with a better view and completely at ease. Oh, it was also fun! Could that be possible? To just let the wave carry me forward with enjoyment and ease?
When I was at the Art of Living Retreat Center, Art of Living, in December, I journaled about my experience. Re-reading the journal this morning, it fit perfectly with this topic. As I do each morning, I asked myself what I was feeling and it was anxiety, tightness in my chest and abdomen. It was tension about feeling lack of achievement. Asking “Who is feeling this?” It came back “The Doer! Accomplisher! CEO! Owner!” He was very clear. “You have to do something significant! Be an example to your kids! Help others. Make money! Leave a legacy!” Reflecting on this for a moment, I asked The Doer, “OK, what do you want for me?” He came back at once, “I want you to have all of these things so you can be at peace, happy and content; so, you don’t have to live in fear anymore.” To which I replied, “Ah! Thank you. 😊 I want that last part, too. And I don’t have to do all the stuff to be at peace and content. All I must do is let go and let God. Smile. Enjoy the moment. Let go of all the tension. Is it OK if we do that to reach the goal instead?” “Yes, that is fine, as long as you are sure it will get you there,” The Doer replied. “I am,” I wrote.
I was then overcome with sadness from the relief of letting go and the grief of having thought differently for so long. It is still a daily balance between the two.
When I think about the wave now, it still is compelling for me. If I slow down, it could crash on me. Yes, it could. So what? When a wave crashes on me, I get tumbled, briefly disoriented, banged up a little perhaps. And life will do that. We will get tumbled by waves and beat up a little. Then I can get my bearings and look for the next wave to ride and enjoy the view on that one instead of the fear and constant striving of swimming out front. What if it I ride the wave and then I get dumped off or fall behind it? Well, I got to enjoy the ride and the view for a while, right? And I can catch the next one. And it is interesting too.
I will start practicing riding the wave and see where life takes me.
This week it is taking me out to the Rockies for a solo retreat where I will be mostly alone and off the grid until my middle son joins me for spring break. I have cleared my agenda completely and will spend a lot of time in silence, meditation, contemplation, and playing outdoors. I will pick up Friday Reflections when I return in late March.
Until then,
Art
